I really should not be awake already. I did not fall asleep until 9 A.M. and I have been awake for about 45 minutes now. My Mom brought me iced coffee and it forced me to wake up. Within the 45 minutes or so that I have been awake, I've managed to take Aurora for a walk and do the dishes. And throw up for the 3rd day in a row. I have no idea what is going on with my stomach, but it's not enjoyable. (It's not lack of sleep, every other day I got at least 6 hours of sleep.)

The only thing I have thought of is that in the past two (today has barely begun--doesn't count.) days I haven't managed to eat anything other than cashews. I have absolutely no appetite. The puking doesn't really help, either.

I am going to keep cleaning my room, I suppose.

p.s. organizing a closet full of stuff that isn't yours:not at all fun.

I want to scream until no sound comes out and you learned your lesson
I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep
So I don't have to make a bad impression
I need to start to be myself
'cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now
I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me.
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done,
But I guess you were better off without me.
I need to start to be myself,
Because I'm sick of everybody else.

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now
I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now
I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I won't let you bring me down (I took one big step and I looked away)
It's here and now I'm breaking out (and I thought of all the things that i wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate)
I will learn to love again (I took one big step and I looked away)
But i will stand a broken man (And I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late...)

Warning:My music taste is very eclectic, don't judge!

Here's the "Guess the Song" Meme.
Shuffle play list. First line. Guess Song. Go.

1. I've waited hours for this.
2. Watch out, cupid stuck me with a sickness, pull your little arrows out and let me live my life.
3. It was cold in California, even in the summer she was wrapped in a blanket.
4. I can make your heartbeat short.
5. I feel, I feel like taking a life.
6. I was wanting to get to know you, oh-oh-oh,oh-oh-oh.
7. Blow my mind, blow my mind.
8. With a final heave, go.
9. Take me out tonight where there's music and there's people.
10. Once upon a time, before the lakes and rivers were polluted.
11. Love will save the day, love will save the day, love will save the day, love will save the day, if love would only stay.
12. So, you wanna stay tonight, and you're not bothered what your boyfriend said.
13. (it was Yelle but I skipped again because I don't speak french.) I was meant for the stage, I was meant for the curtain.
14. My head is a box filled with nothing, and that's the way I like it.
15. Good evening shuttle bus, tell me where you're gonna take us, somewhere where I have never been.
16. The drugs begin to peak, a smile of joy arrives in me, but sedation turns to panic.
17. Mirror,mirror on the wall, tell me mirror what is wrong?
18. Life is sweet, and given the chance, I might agree.
19. Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games. (way too easy.)
20. Well I feel just like a child, yeah I feel just like a child.

It's taking time, all this fear I pushed back to move on,
Beating me like a panic attack since you've gone.
And if I never fear to be more alone, I do now.

I turn to see my faded tracks in the snow.
I've come so far with no idea where to go.
And if I never fear to be more alone, I do now,
I do now.

I need you to tell me you'll be right by my side.
When I feel alone, you'll be right by my side.

It's taking hold of a fool with a fondness for pain
And turn to run without a chance to explain.
And if I never thought I'd fall like the rain, I do now.
I do now.

I don't look back to the spot where I fell.
Don't you look back, and don't you ever tell.
'Cause we know pride, it doesn't heal all that well.
All that well, all that well.

I need you to tell me you'll be right by my side.
When I feel alone, you'll be right by my side.
In a crazy world, you'll be right by my side.

I was just in my old room looking for a lint roller, and there is a nest of birds in between the window frame and the air conditioning unit. I want to help them, but I am seriously terrified of birds. I think they can probably get out the same way they got in, but the Mom bird doesn't seem to be in there. I wish I wasn't terrified of birds because I feel so bad not doing anything. I don't even know what I would do, though.

girl, i slip into your bedroom.
the light from your mac cuts through the gloom, like moonlight.
its so fucking grim out there, lets hibernate.
i'm sick of people obsessed with their clothes and hair.
never leave london, new york or la.
fucking lets hibernate, its cold and it is late.
both know i shouldn't stay , i don't care what your flatmates say.
but yeah, theyre probably right.
don't let me stay tonight, im drunk and you are tired.
don't let me stay tonight, i'm hard and you are tired.

i can crash out on your sofa, but thats not what i am here for.
we could do spoons or more, just don't show me the fucking futon.

i can hear it in your breathing, see your eyes move in bliss.
as you dream of our future kids, follow away the hazy grey.
but yeah, you're probably right, don't let me stay tonight.
i'm drunk and you are tired, don't let me stay tonight.


yeah you probably had some bad advice, but your flatmates on her prime.
and ones got a moustache and she talks a lot of shit.
i can feel something is growing and yeah oh to be gone.
now the light from your mac is blinking although is this not what i'm here for.
but yeah you're probably right, don't let me stay tonight.
i'm drunk and you are tired, so let me stay tonight.
i don't care what your flatmates say, you got that naughty look in your eyes.
i'm hard and you are tired, just let me stay tonight.

Katy Perry's remake of Electric Feel by MGMT is amazing. Blue Foundation is also amazing. I wish that music could be personified and I could just date songs. I think that would work wonderfully. I need to try and sleep again because I have a lot to do today. I mailed Jade's CD yesterday, and if there is anyone on my list who likes indie music, send me your address!

Move your slender fingers,
Help me play this song.
Spend another night inside this rented mansion.
I love you now.
I know that doesn't matter
I love you now,
I know that doesn't matter.

Kissing me full of beer, tequila, weed, and candy.
Walking down the boardwalk,
Act like we were married.
You always made it easy,
Then I'd want you more.
You always kept it easy,
Then I'd want you more.

Too smart for your own good,
Too sweet, too logical.
Statistics round your head,
Tried to teach me about baseball.
My favorite was the part when they make it home.
I like it when they steal, and when they make it home.

You left us with a sorrow too unreal to help.
Heard the birds sound broadcast speakers at the Phoenix hotel,
All your friends are standing, crying, on the sidewalk.
All your boyfriends, they were standing crying on the sidewalk.

Breezy, I feel dizzy,
Can you help me up?
It's crowded at the back door,
How we getting to the bus?
I'd like to help you find it if there's something better.
Yeah, I'll try and help you find it if there's something better.

Move your slender fingers,
Help me play this song.
Spend another night inside this practice mansion.
I love you now,
I know that's all that matters.
I love you still,
And I know that's all that matters.

Good things that have occurred in the past few days:
*Sitting at Common Grounds with Beth for four hours last night. I normally hate it, but I had a good time and got to see Max as well.
*Painting my nails with Kaysea which makes me feel like I'm a high school girl at a sleepover.
*Indie radio stations make me happy.
*Sitting at Edgewater for an hour and a half also makes me happy.

That might be it for now. I'm using Kaysea's laptop because my new one won't get here until Tuesday, so I'm not really online on anything much. Have a good weekend.

Too bad you knew me,
When I wasn't ready.
Yeah, I wasn't ready.
Did I say, "Come and get me?"
And too bad I held on,
when you tried to tell me...
this was wrong.
Well, is this wrong?
I am no masterpiece where innocence is painted green.
Isn't it strange to think that you created all of me?
Done by the hands of a broken artist.
You painted black where my naked heart is.
I finally know what wrong is.
Now I finally know that you bleed for nothing.
Carved like a stone with your hands still shaking.
On display through a soul still breaking.
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?
Aren't you proud you're the one that made me?
You can't erase these
Lines you can't save me.
You can't display me.
You know what dismay means.
I can't even try to,
remember what I knew.
Before I became your
Model to claim, no.
I am no masterpiece.
So strange that you made all of me.
I grew tired.
You expired.
You finished me.
Now that I'm all that you planned,
Well tell me what do you think?
Too bad you knew me.
I wasn't ready.
I am no masterpiece at all.

I remember the way you look, but I forget what it feels like to be embraced by you. I remember drawing the rose without the thorn, and the therapist asking me if I felt unprotected. I remember telling her you were my protector, but I forget what it felt like to feel safe. I remember avoiding your phone calls, but I forget what it felt like to be so bothered by you. I remember every photograph, but I forget every emotion captured within it. I remember that you were my Father, but I forget what it felt like to have one.

I feel like you are leaving me all over again.

I want to sit on Edgewater's shore and dip my feet in the cold, murky water. I want to write love letters to strangers in the sand and watch couples with hands interlocked walk nearby. I want the lake to splash against the dock loud enough to drown out the thoughts that fill my head. I want to feel so alone that I'm not even sure anyone else exists. I want to watch the sun fall behind the trees, and the moon shine above them. I want stars to shine brighter than streetlights. I want the beauty of the world to make me believe in you again. I want my heartbeat to race because I've fallen in love with Mother Nature again. I want every ugly thing in the world to be overshadowed by the scenery. I want to forget about rapes, junkies, heartbreak, and could-have-beens. I want to feel like the only love that will ever really matter is the one I share with this beach.

I will meet with you again and you will be the one that never leaves.

She isn't happy unless her stomach feels as empty as her heart. The loud grumble of the hunger she's ignoring wakes her up in the middle of the night. She rolls over and turns her music up a little louder. She thinks about the way you used to fill the space beside her and feels a little more hollow. Insomnia finally drags her out of bed and she climbs into the shower. She makes the water so hot that it almost burns her skin. The steam fills the bathroom and she tries to focus on the foggy air instead of the memories that constantly consume her. The water distracts her from the tears that are suddenly streaming down her pale cheeks. She closes her eyes and pretends everything she's ever felt is falling out of her and into the tubs drain.
She focuses on the voice flowing through the stereos speakers and for a moment she almost feels OK again.


This world you're in now,
it doesn't have to be alone.
I'll get there somehow.
'Cause I know, I know, I know
when even springtime feels cold.
But I will learn to breathe this
ugliness you see so we can both
be there and we can both share
the dark.


She is constantly wavering back and forth between the desire to live inside of her head and the need to just escape it. She thinks she would like to live in the imaginary romances she concocts to make herself feel a little bit less alone, but even in her fairy-tales the princess always leaves. She turns off the water and with wrinkled skin she slides back into her bed that has too much space. She closes her eyes and lies awake tormented by her thoughts until she finally temporarily flees to the continuation of her nightmares.

This can't possibly last forever, right?

I seriously don't think that my heart has plummeted so quickly ever. I really cannot deal with 18&26 year olds who have nothing better to do with their time than try to start drama. I don't need it. I don't want it. I would like to know why even after being rid of her she still has the ability to fuck up my day even more than it already was.

I don't know why I ever expect more from people.

I feel completely sick. I will never, never, never, never, never, never talk to anyone who is the least bit associated with her again.

Through muffled screams and swollen eyes,
From lots of pills and alibis,
I always find my romance
In the emergency room.
I remind you of everything you hate,
And you remind me I'm the one to blame.
I'm fighting myself to get you out of my head,
But I'm hanging off of every word you said.
Forced heartbeat and broken mirrors,
Flaws and faults are held so dear.
My reflection makes me sick.
The pain we feel is nothing new.


Prescription drugs and photographs
Of loneliness and nervous laughs.
What you call misery through anxious eyes
Is something I can't see.
It's something I can't see.
I'm fighting myself,
To get you out of my head,
But I'm hanging off of every word you said.
I'm fighting myself
To get you out of my head,
And I'm screaming loud enough to wake the dead.
--------------------------------------

p.s.
4 more pounds!

I really wish my emotions had an on and off switch. I hate being emotional. I hate crying. I hate today.

blah blah blah.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.

I'm so nervous.

grrr.